Friday, February 25, 2011

The Voice of the People

New Poll!

What do YOU think should go?

Vote to the right, or suggest your own ideas in the comments section.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Skiwampus Zippers

If you have never worn a skirt, you will have no idea what I'm talking about. So let me educate you.

Most skirts have zippers. Most zippers have a designated position on your body. Some skirts zip up the side. Some have a fly in the front like pants do. Some skirts zip straight up the back. Most of the time, these zippers obey the laws of fashion and remain squarely in their original position from the time you put on your skirt until you take it off.

But SOMETIMES... Skirt zippers get bored hanging out in the same old place. And they are sneaky. They're like mythical creatures that only come alive when you aren't looking. You'll just be walking along minding your own business, looking attractive in your skirt, and WHAM. Just a second ago your zipper was in the back where it belonged, and now it's partying up front and taunting all of your friends' zippers who are too uptight to swivel. I doubt anyone has ever actually seen a zipper actively moving from its intended position. And good luck wrestling it back where it belongs without looking like a fool.

It's a cool trick, really it is. But last time I checked, I didn't need a fly directly over my right butt cheek.

Skiwampus zippers must go.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Exceedingly Bad Breath

From an evolutionary standpoint, the ability of the human nose to detect foul odors is an indispensable safeguard that naturally prevents us from wanting to ingest and/or roll around in rotten or possibly harmful substances. This is a useful tool that (hopefully) keeps both young children and adults alike from eating poo and licking skunks.

I understand that sometimes medical conditions make it hard or even impossible for some people to have healthy, odorless breath. Healthy people slip up too. Morning breath happens. Garlic happens. Delicious foreign cuisine happens. Moderately bad breath happens to good people.

But I CANNOT, for the life of me, justify breath so putrid that road kill burning on a tire fire can't hold a candle to its stench.

The unbridled aroma of poisonous cheese has no business emanating from a human being's mouth. There are a myriad of natural, medical, and commercial remedies for bad breath which leaves most people without a single excuse. I refuse to sign for your smellogram.

Exceedingly bad breath must go.


(Guest Post by NB. See the original post here.)

I really don't like hipsters. Or thick glasses. Or people who wear ripped clothes. Quit trying so hard to discover everything before everyone else, and don't try so hard to look like you haven't showered for 17 days.

Hipsters must go.

p.s. Hipster Princesses = Funny

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Sweaty Classmates

Dear Sweaty Classmate,

If you are realllllly hot and sweaty, do not sit by me. Especially if I'm next to the wall. When you take off your coat, hot air wafts toward me as if you were a human space heater. You make me feel like I'm trapped in a steamy oven with your hair. And you keep poking me with your notebook. Please respect the armrest as an invisible cootie barrier. You are ruining my life.

Love, but actually hate,

Your Concerned Neighbor

Sweaty classmates must go.