Spiders

Spiders are the rudest insects in the world. Think about it. They are so intrusive. What other creature would gleefully walk on your face and crawl up your nose just because it can?

"Oh look, a nostril. Don't mind if I do."

I've actually heard spiders say this.

Spiders are also rude. I've found them napping on my bed like they own the place. Then the spiders are always like: "Oh sorry, did you wanted to sleep here? Don't answer that, because I'm not sorry. I'm happy your night has been ruined by my presence. It pleases me greatly."

Spiders get all up in people's business just to see what's going on. And then, if it suits them, they bite you. And they are ugly. And sometimes they are really speedy. And they make nasty egg sacs in the worst possible locations. And their webs get all on you sometimes when you're in nature.

SPIDERS MUST GO.

Oh and P.S. sometimes they kill you...

Miley Cyrus

Let's talk about this. Billy Ray Cyrus had ONE hit. How many years ago? 19. The peak of Billy's fame occured when he was a musical guest during the last five minutes of "America's Funniest Home Videos" in the early 90s.

How is it POSSIBLE then, that both Miley and her father have stretched their 15 minutes of fame into 20 years of buffoonery?

The Disney Channel does have a knack for creating pop stars in their little annoying-human factory. Most of these pop stars release one album which no one listens to and then are never heard of again, but every now and then someone who is truly talented will break free from Disney and become a legitimate artist (Justin Timberlake must NOT go. He can stay forever).  Unfortunately, Miley is not one of those rare gems, but Billy Ray jumped right on the fame train behind his mildly talented daughter anyway.

And can we talk about the situation with her teeth? They haunt me. I can hear them. I swear I can.



I would die a happy woman if I never had to hear Miley's teeth or see Billy's sideburns ever again.

Miley Cyrus must go.

Hiatus = Over.

Did you think I ran out of things to complain about? Au contraire, mes petites amis. I'm not sure if I conjugated that correctly, but you should cut me some slack since I haven't taken french for oh, I don't know... 5 ish years?

Anyway. There are at least 6 blog posts just sittin' around, waiting for me to finish writing them. And they will be written. Oh yes. They will be written.



If you didn't know what I was talking about before watching that video clip, then you didn't deserve to see it. 7th blog post out: People who have never seen "Wayne's World" must go.

The Voice of the People

New Poll!

What do YOU think should go?

Vote to the right, or suggest your own ideas in the comments section.

Skiwampus Zippers

If you have never worn a skirt, you will have no idea what I'm talking about. So let me educate you.

Most skirts have zippers. Most zippers have a designated position on your body. Some skirts zip up the side. Some have a fly in the front like pants do. Some skirts zip straight up the back. Most of the time, these zippers obey the laws of fashion and remain squarely in their original position from the time you put on your skirt until you take it off.

But SOMETIMES... Skirt zippers get bored hanging out in the same old place. And they are sneaky. They're like mythical creatures that only come alive when you aren't looking. You'll just be walking along minding your own business, looking attractive in your skirt, and WHAM. Just a second ago your zipper was in the back where it belonged, and now it's partying up front and taunting all of your friends' zippers who are too uptight to swivel. I doubt anyone has ever actually seen a zipper actively moving from its intended position. And good luck wrestling it back where it belongs without looking like a fool.

It's a cool trick, really it is. But last time I checked, I didn't need a fly directly over my right butt cheek.

Skiwampus zippers must go.

Exceedingly Bad Breath

From an evolutionary standpoint, the ability of the human nose to detect foul odors is an indispensable safeguard that naturally prevents us from wanting to ingest and/or roll around in rotten or possibly harmful substances. This is a useful tool that (hopefully) keeps both young children and adults alike from eating poo and licking skunks.

I understand that sometimes medical conditions make it hard or even impossible for some people to have healthy, odorless breath. Healthy people slip up too. Morning breath happens. Garlic happens. Delicious foreign cuisine happens. Moderately bad breath happens to good people.

But I CANNOT, for the life of me, justify breath so putrid that road kill burning on a tire fire can't hold a candle to its stench.

The unbridled aroma of poisonous cheese has no business emanating from a human being's mouth. There are a myriad of natural, medical, and commercial remedies for bad breath which leaves most people without a single excuse. I refuse to sign for your smellogram.

Exceedingly bad breath must go.

Hipsters

(Guest Post by NB. See the original post here.)

I really don't like hipsters. Or thick glasses. Or people who wear ripped clothes. Quit trying so hard to discover everything before everyone else, and don't try so hard to look like you haven't showered for 17 days.

Hipsters must go.

p.s. Hipster Princesses = Funny

Sweaty Classmates

Dear Sweaty Classmate,

If you are realllllly hot and sweaty, do not sit by me. Especially if I'm next to the wall. When you take off your coat, hot air wafts toward me as if you were a human space heater. You make me feel like I'm trapped in a steamy oven with your hair. And you keep poking me with your notebook. Please respect the armrest as an invisible cootie barrier. You are ruining my life.


Love, but actually hate,

Your Concerned Neighbor



Sweaty classmates must go.

Raisins

Who among us has not experienced the exquisite disappointment upon biting into an oatmeal-raisin cookie when you THOUGHT you were actually biting into a delectable chocolate chip cookie? The ensuing shock is enough to bring a grown man to his knees. Especially if he hates raisins. Which he has every right to.

If only all raisins could be chocolate chips. Raisins wish they were chocolate chips. In reality, a raisin is nothing more than a chocolate chip's sub-par fruity and rubbery evil twin. Raisins are wrinkly and sticky and brown-purple and clumpy and have you SMELLED raisin breath?

I don't care what you or anyone else says.

Raisins are nature's boogers and they must go.

Back to School 6: Obnoxious Interrupters.

There are three types of interrupters:

1. Serial commenters. Their body clock is set such that every 5 or maybe 7 minutes, their arm spontaneously shoots their hand into the air during an otherwise fluid lecture. I honestly think some of them cannot control it. However, this does not make me any less agitated when they ask their 9th question, tell their 4th story, or suggest their 20 bajillionth thoery on the purpose of all things.

2. Blurters. A cousin of the serial commenter, once removed. They have the same tendency toward spontaneity, but lack the self control required to actually raise their hand before speaking. I'm sorry you are a college junior and don't understand words like panacea... but is it necessary to blurt out "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!" in the middle of the professor's sentence? Twice?

3. Unrelated Questioners. If we are talking about urban crime rates, please do not raise your hand to ask what the teacher's favorite type of ice cream is. Enough said.

Obnoxious Interrupters must go.