Ants and ant-like creatures

Ants are a menace to civilized society. They crawl on us, they bite us, they ruin our food, and they look gross. Ants have plagued me for as long as I can remember.

My first memorable encounter with the tiny black demons occurred after my ballet class at the tender age of four. I was harmlessly frolicking through the bushes whilst waiting for my sister to finish her dance class, when to my HORROR I discovered that 20 or 30 ants had stowed away both on and in my leotard. Pandemonium ensued.

My last memorable encounter involved a putrid pile of my roommate's dirty laundry and a slice of pizza. Was there a piece of pizza in her laundry pile? Unfortunately no. A herd of minuscule, nearly microscopic fiery red minions of Satan had inhabited her laundry on account of something inedible to humans buried deep in the abyss of her composting underwear. I had seen a few tiny red ants around our apartment, but at that point in time I lived in a dumpy place and thought nothing of it. The next day when I actually discovered the laundry-turned-anthill my roommate had created at the foot of MY bed, I retreated to the kitchen in search of comfort. As I brainstormed options on how to avoid the infestation until my roommate got home, I decided to eat a slice of pizza left on the table from an earlier meal. A few bites in, something just didn't feel quite right. I looked down and realized that my snack was also crawling with disgusting tiny red ants, camouflaged by pepperoni and tomato sauce.

NO.

HOW???

WHYYYYYYYYY?

Questions I have never been able to answer.

I don't want any hubbub in the comments about the ecosystem and why ants are important. Ants can kiss my bum. Metaphorically speaking. I don't want ants anywhere near my bum, my house, my clothes, pizza, or my person.

Ants must go.

Leggings As Pants

                                  

You know, it's funny. They call them "leggings" because they aren't "pants". Those quotation marks were probably misused and that period was probably misplaced. But deal with it.

Last time I checked.... wearing semi-sheer stretch pants was only socially acceptable if you were currently filming a scene for Xanadu... and even then... it was sketchy. Would you wear tights without a skirt? No. Well guess what... when you wear leggings without a skirt... its pretttttty much the same thing.

If I had a nickel for every pair of inappropriate panties I have seen through a pair of thread bare leggings.... I would melt them all down and make a giant nickel plated spoon. And then I would take that spoon and gouge out my own eyes with it.

You know what is even better/worse than just plain old leggings as pants? Leggings as pants worn with boots. You look like a skanky jockey.

Leggings as pants must go.

Cyclists Who Don't Stop at Stop Signs

Look. I know you're on a bike because you are better than me. You are either environmentally aware, or you can't afford a car. You not being able to afford a car still makes you better than me, because we both know that you are in far better shape than my car-riding butt.


I also realize that it is much easier to coast slowly and then pick up speed again than it is to stop completely and regain momentum. I feel for you. I really do.

However, the convenience you enjoy by rolling through stop signs is vastly outweighed by the years of psychotherapy I will be sure to endure after the hood of my car launches you and your little bike through the air, onto an unsuspecting elderly person's manicured lawn. Not to mention your full body cast and the inability to pronounce your own name for several months.

I would say "Cyclists Who Don't Stop at Stop Signs Must GO..." but in this situation, I think it's safe to say:

Cyclists who don't stop at stop signs must STOP.