Monday, September 19, 2011

Ants and ant-like creatures

Ants are a menace to civilized society. They crawl on us, they bite us, they ruin our food, and they look gross. Ants have plagued me for as long as I can remember.

My first memorable encounter with the tiny black demons occurred after my ballet class at the tender age of four. I was harmlessly frolicking through the bushes whilst waiting for my sister to finish her dance class, when to my HORROR I discovered that 20 or 30 ants had stowed away both on and in my leotard. Pandemonium ensued.

My last memorable encounter involved a putrid pile of my roommate's dirty laundry and a slice of pizza. Was there a piece of pizza in her laundry pile? Unfortunately no. A herd of minuscule, nearly microscopic fiery red minions of Satan had inhabited her laundry on account of something inedible to humans buried deep in the abyss of her composting underwear. I had seen a few tiny red ants around our apartment, but at that point in time I lived in a dumpy place and thought nothing of it. The next day when I actually discovered the laundry-turned-anthill my roommate had created at the foot of MY bed, I retreated to the kitchen in search of comfort. As I brainstormed options on how to avoid the infestation until my roommate got home, I decided to eat a slice of pizza left on the table from an earlier meal. A few bites in, something just didn't feel quite right. I looked down and realized that my snack was also crawling with disgusting tiny red ants, camouflaged by pepperoni and tomato sauce.




Questions I have never been able to answer.

I don't want any hubbub in the comments about the ecosystem and why ants are important. Ants can kiss my bum. Metaphorically speaking. I don't want ants anywhere near my bum, my house, my clothes, pizza, or my person.

Ants must go.


  1. No hubbub about the environment, just hubbub about how YOU NEED TO CLEAN YOUR APARTMENT THE F UP GIRL. Gross. I like you. Gross. Mostly by clean up your apartment, I mean get a new roomate. Because GROSS. Maybe also call your landlord or lady. Land liege, if you will.

  2. Don't worry. I moved away from that roommate after one semester a couple years ago. I've had time to heal.

  3. I clicked on your google ads. Those ad-choosers know what they're doing. There are two that are advertising ways to kill ants.


What must go, must go.