Monday, September 19, 2011

Ants and ant-like creatures

Ants are a menace to civilized society. They crawl on us, they bite us, they ruin our food, and they look gross. Ants have plagued me for as long as I can remember.

My first memorable encounter with the tiny black demons occurred after my ballet class at the tender age of four. I was harmlessly frolicking through the bushes whilst waiting for my sister to finish her dance class, when to my HORROR I discovered that 20 or 30 ants had stowed away both on and in my leotard. Pandemonium ensued.

My last memorable encounter involved a putrid pile of my roommate's dirty laundry and a slice of pizza. Was there a piece of pizza in her laundry pile? Unfortunately no. A herd of minuscule, nearly microscopic fiery red minions of Satan had inhabited her laundry on account of something inedible to humans buried deep in the abyss of her composting underwear. I had seen a few tiny red ants around our apartment, but at that point in time I lived in a dumpy place and thought nothing of it. The next day when I actually discovered the laundry-turned-anthill my roommate had created at the foot of MY bed, I retreated to the kitchen in search of comfort. As I brainstormed options on how to avoid the infestation until my roommate got home, I decided to eat a slice of pizza left on the table from an earlier meal. A few bites in, something just didn't feel quite right. I looked down and realized that my snack was also crawling with disgusting tiny red ants, camouflaged by pepperoni and tomato sauce.

NO.

HOW???

WHYYYYYYYYY?

Questions I have never been able to answer.

I don't want any hubbub in the comments about the ecosystem and why ants are important. Ants can kiss my bum. Metaphorically speaking. I don't want ants anywhere near my bum, my house, my clothes, pizza, or my person.

Ants must go.

4 comments:

  1. No hubbub about the environment, just hubbub about how YOU NEED TO CLEAN YOUR APARTMENT THE F UP GIRL. Gross. I like you. Gross. Mostly by clean up your apartment, I mean get a new roomate. Because GROSS. Maybe also call your landlord or lady. Land liege, if you will.

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  2. Don't worry. I moved away from that roommate after one semester a couple years ago. I've had time to heal.

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  3. I clicked on your google ads. Those ad-choosers know what they're doing. There are two that are advertising ways to kill ants.

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What must go, must go.