Saturday, August 27, 2011

Leggings As Pants


You know, it's funny. They call them "leggings" because they aren't "pants". Those quotation marks were probably misused and that period was probably misplaced. But deal with it.

Last time I checked.... wearing semi-sheer stretch pants was only socially acceptable if you were currently filming a scene for Xanadu... and even then... it was sketchy. Would you wear tights without a skirt? No. Well guess what... when you wear leggings without a skirt... its pretttttty much the same thing.

If I had a nickel for every pair of inappropriate panties I have seen through a pair of thread bare leggings.... I would melt them all down and make a giant nickel plated spoon. And then I would take that spoon and gouge out my own eyes with it.

You know what is even better/worse than just plain old leggings as pants? Leggings as pants worn with boots. You look like a skanky jockey.

Leggings as pants must go.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Cyclists Who Don't Stop at Stop Signs

Look. I know you're on a bike because you are better than me. You are either environmentally aware, or you can't afford a car. You not being able to afford a car still makes you better than me, because we both know that you are in far better shape than my car-riding butt.

I also realize that it is much easier to coast slowly and then pick up speed again than it is to stop completely and regain momentum. I feel for you. I really do.

However, the convenience you enjoy by rolling through stop signs is vastly outweighed by the years of psychotherapy I will be sure to endure after the hood of my car launches you and your little bike through the air, onto an unsuspecting elderly person's manicured lawn. Not to mention your full body cast and the inability to pronounce your own name for several months.

I would say "Cyclists Who Don't Stop at Stop Signs Must GO..." but in this situation, I think it's safe to say:

Cyclists who don't stop at stop signs must STOP.