Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Puka Shells (and Kenny Chesney)

Puka shells. Huka shells. Mispronounced, misused and abused all over the united states since the late 90's.

(Note: if you live in Hawaii you are kind of excused. But you should still watch yourself.)
It's rare that people sport these crusty crustacean strands in the contiguous united states, but when they do, it's one of the most ignominious fashion faux pas an offender can ever commit. There once was a time when these necklaces were super in... and that time ended about a decade ago.

Pukas are most often sported by men who think of themselves as ultra-hot macho men. This puzzles me. There really should be a public service anouncement addressing the fact that pukas are a sign of douchebaggery and weakness, and that wearing them does not magically transform you from a tool into a winner.

Your necklace belongs in a garbage can, circa 2001.

Puka shells must go.

P.S. Kenny Chesney can go too.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Screen Creepers

Let's talk about screen creepers.

Screen Creeper noun: An individual, colleague, or cubicle-mate who unscrupulously looks at your computer screen for extended periods of time. Screen Creepers may read your personal email over your shoulder, laugh at the blog you are reading, or give you unsolicited advice on how to articulate your instant messenger responses. These individuals may also belong to the hoverer family, and usually exhibit complete ambivalence to social cues.

Screen creepers drive me bonkers, and I just don't know how to solve the problem. I feel like it might be unreasonably harsh for me to command them to avert their eyes from my personal business as I slap them across their creeper face. On the other hand, subtle clues that you do not appreciate their eyes laser-beaming to your screen every time they have a spare moment would probably be too complex for their socially retarded radar to pick up on.

How to stop a screen creeper: no one knows.

Therefore, screen creepers must go.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Shopping Carts that Shock

I grabbed a shopping cart today at my local grocery store and it immediately shocked me. I didn't think twice about it because it was looking and sounding pretty good as far as shopping carts go. All four wheels were touching the floor, there were no weird squeaky sounds when I turned, it looked clean, the wheels moved smoothly and silently... etc... so I happily continued my quest for sustenance.

10 steps later it shocked me again. Fluke, I thought. Weird, I thought. Probably not going to happen again, I thought.

2 aisles later... shock.

Produce section... shock shock.

What the devil? By this time I already had food in my cart so I didn't want to turn around and switch carts. That would be a weird thing to do. And I'm not weird.

I tried being careful about not shuffling my feet, not touching my hair, staying away from metal objects and anything else I could think of that I may have been doing to build up unwanted static electricity. I had zero luck with that. As soon as I thought the shocks were gone, they would return again with a vengeance. And they hurt.

I guess sometimes shopping carts just hatefully shock you, even when you don't do anything rude to them first.

Shopping carts that shock must go.

Wrinkly Dogs

Wrinkly dogs are gross. Some people think they are "Soooooo cuuuuuute!"

Wrinkly dogs look gooey and weird. I don't think there is anything cute about an animal whose brain appears to have developed outside of its skull. And as they get older, their outer brain appears to swallow the rest of their body. Dog debris probably gets caught in their gelatinous bodily fur crevices.

And ANOTHER thing. Their wierd wrinkly gums can't hold their weird wrinkly dog lips together, so drool flies everywhere.

Not cute.

And then, some people say: "They aren't cute, but they're cuddley!"

Excuse me? Why would I want to cuddle with something that looks like a walking ball of furry entrails?

I don't want to cuddle with that.

Wrinkly dogs must go.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Loud Talkers

Loud talkers. You know the type. They like to scream their comments to others when it is completely unnecessary. Their whispers rival fog horns. Their laughter shatters windows with its sonic boom of obnoxiousness. Loud talkers can often be found sitting all by themselves, as they are usually avoided by passers-by who are attempting to keep their eardrums and sanity intact. In the event that you find yourself in close proximity to a loud talker, or worse, engaged in conversation with one, you can use one or all of the following tactics to tone down the loud talker's volume or stop the conversation dead in its tracks:
  • Invest in some high quality ear plugs.

  • Look directly at the loud talker, make eye contact, and plug your ears with your fingers.

  • Cover the loud talker's mouth with your hand.

  • Interrupt the loud talker mid-sentence with a quick fire extinguisher blast to the face.

  • Round-house kick the loud talker in the mouth. Make sure they don't see it coming. Repeat as necessary.

  • Duct tape.

  • Drown out the loud talker's voice with your blood curdling screams every time they begin to speak.

There is a good chance none of the above strategies will provide a permanent solution.

Therefore, loud talkers must go.

(Rest in peace, Billy Mays.)