Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Most drinking fountains come in pairs. One tall, one short. The short one is awkward to use, especially while wearing a heavy backpack. There is nothing worse than having your backpack avalanche forward onto your head when you are crouched down, trying to get a few sips of water out of a too-low drinking fountain. It almost always results in cranial injury or water up your nose.
BYU has many, many drinking fountains. BYU also has many, many socially unaware individuals who feel it is necessary to fill up their water bottle at the tall drinking fountain.
Why. Why do they do this? Water bottles take for-ev-er to fill up, and most people don't have time in between classes to wait for the water bottle hog to finish replenishing their stupid nalgene before the bell rings.
Ergo, the short drinking fountain is all that is left to quench the thirst of the short, average, and giant-sized students waiting in line. It really irks me when I see dumb-dumbs on their bedazzled cell phones blissfully filling their water bottles while the football player next to them is trying, in vain, to drink out of a water fountain positioned knee-high.
Tall drinking fountain water bottle hogs MUST GO. Use. The. Short. One.
Friday, September 24, 2010
The next few posts will be special posts, dedicated to everything that must go when it comes to school. Feel free to comment with ideas for future school-related posts.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
P.S. Kenny Chesney can go too.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Wrinkly dogs are gross. Some people think they are "Soooooo cuuuuuute!"
Monday, August 9, 2010
- Invest in some high quality ear plugs.
- Look directly at the loud talker, make eye contact, and plug your ears with your fingers.
- Cover the loud talker's mouth with your hand.
- Interrupt the loud talker mid-sentence with a quick fire extinguisher blast to the face.
- Round-house kick the loud talker in the mouth. Make sure they don't see it coming. Repeat as necessary.
- Duct tape.
- Drown out the loud talker's voice with your blood curdling screams every time they begin to speak.
There is a good chance none of the above strategies will provide a permanent solution.
Therefore, loud talkers must go.
(Rest in peace, Billy Mays.)
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tapered 80's jeans = Belong on Angela from Who's The Boss
Skinny jeans on girls = attractive and stylish.
Skinny jeans on boys = oh my goodness someone please poke out my eyes with a javelin.
Wrangler butts do not drive me nuts.
Men's skinny jeans must go.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Or, let it go. BEFORE you come within a 20 foot radius of any food or drink source.
Drinking fountain farters must go.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I feel like it's probably not necessary to write out a lengthy explaination as to why Ke$ha needs to go, so I'll keep these sentiments brief. Like a speedo.
- Ke$ha spells her name with a dollar sign.
- She has the most annoying valley-girl voice I have ever heard.
- She thinks it is awesome and unique to misspell the titles to the songs she slurs.
- I tried to pull up some lyrics as further proof that she is a non-contributor to the music world, but her lyrics website gave my computer an electronic STD and I had to shut the whole thing down.
- The song that I was looking at as an example of her idiotic filth uses the phrase "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH" over and over again and makes several allusions to committing unspeakable acts whilst drunk in a club.
- And finally, she looks like a hot mess. Barfing diamonds.
For the love of all that is musical, and in support of the fight against venereal disease,
Ke$ha must go.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Dirty, nasty, stringly, fluffy, crumby, mustaches. "Moustaches." Cookie dusters. Soup strainers. Misplaced eyebrows. Stalker 'staches. Face fungus.
For some reason, an increasing number of potentially attractive men feel that mustaches are an appropriate outlet for expressing their manly capabilities to grow facial hair. They are sorely mistaken.
Mustaches make me want to hurl. If you are not Burt Reynolds, a police officer, or over the age of 55, mustaches should be strictly prohibited. I am not typically a hater of facial hair. I like me some scruff every now and then, but mustaches just must go.
For example: Take an extremely good looking man. Add the following:
A goatee? Fine.
Manly scruffiness? Superb.
But a mustache?
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
You have made a beautiful man into an atrocity. Adding a weird patch of lip hair to a handsome face (or ANY face, for that matter) is a recipe for disaster. Please men, be responsible. Grow some sideburns. Forget to shave for a couple days. But I beg of you.... do not, under any circumstance, grow a mustache.
Mustaches must go.
Friday, July 9, 2010
His star-spangled booty would be the first in a long line of speedo sightings through the years that I wish I could erase from my memory, each one a little more disturbing than the last.
My most recent speedo sighting occurred last week, while I was waiting in line to take a turn on a rope swing at a local pond. The speedo-wearing pond perpetrator was in his mid thirties, with the physique of your average NASCAR enthusiast. It's hard to find any appropriate words right now to accurately describe the visual abuse he inflicted on all those who found him within their sight. Suffice it to say, that there were children there who will be asking their parents some very tough questions in the next few days. I really don't want to talk about it anymore.
for the sake of the children: