Monday, August 9, 2010

Loud Talkers

Loud talkers. You know the type. They like to scream their comments to others when it is completely unnecessary. Their whispers rival fog horns. Their laughter shatters windows with its sonic boom of obnoxiousness. Loud talkers can often be found sitting all by themselves, as they are usually avoided by passers-by who are attempting to keep their eardrums and sanity intact. In the event that you find yourself in close proximity to a loud talker, or worse, engaged in conversation with one, you can use one or all of the following tactics to tone down the loud talker's volume or stop the conversation dead in its tracks:
  • Invest in some high quality ear plugs.

  • Look directly at the loud talker, make eye contact, and plug your ears with your fingers.

  • Cover the loud talker's mouth with your hand.

  • Interrupt the loud talker mid-sentence with a quick fire extinguisher blast to the face.

  • Round-house kick the loud talker in the mouth. Make sure they don't see it coming. Repeat as necessary.

  • Duct tape.

  • Drown out the loud talker's voice with your blood curdling screams every time they begin to speak.

There is a good chance none of the above strategies will provide a permanent solution.

Therefore, loud talkers must go.

(Rest in peace, Billy Mays.)


  1. This is my favorite post yet. Bah ha ha ha.

  2. I just did a post about talkers too . . . and bus talkers must also go. METEOR SHOWER!!!

  3. 1. No one talks on the D.C. metro.
    2. A friend came to visit this summer and on the ride home from Georgetown, basically yelled in my ear the whole way about cupcakes and shopping failures.
    3. He was the only person talking. Excuse me, I mean shouting.
    4. Everyone else was glaring daggers at him.
    5. I had a headache and it was about a thousand degrees. I was NOT in the mood.
    6. Why was he yelling at me about cupcakes? I was sitting right next to him. The cupcakes weren't even that good.


What must go, must go.